I’m sitting on my couch right now blasting Yo Gotti in my ears. It’s early enough in the morning for me to write this, but late enough for it to be inconsiderate to call someone and ask if I should. It’s the perfect time for this, actually; I get to write and reflect without feeling as if I need a second opinion, something I didn’t feel until a few months ago. I’m back writing how I used to: constantly and honestly. It feels good. This… feels good.
It’s crazy, but how I feel about Post 100 is how I felt about Post #1: I’m anxious to see how you feel about this. I feel bold, because I’m finally writing for myself and not sending my work to _________.com out of hope that maybe, just MAYBE, they’ll care enough to post it. Or if not post it, enough to respond to my name with some kind of feedback. I feel scared because now that I have started this, I can’t give up on it. My mentor always told me, “Don’t half ass anything you put your name on.” I didn’t wanna give up in 2016; I don’t want to give up now.
But, there were times in-between when I did. When I would come back to my dorm after hours of class, work and meetings I couldn’t bare to look at another screen begging for words. When I was so caught up in writing for RTs and “YASSSSS! SAY THAT!” comments that when they came less frequently, I thought I was over. That time I was called hypocritical. The day I realized that I WAS being hypocritical. When MeditatedMelanin became too much about relationships and I didn’t know how to bounce back from that. That 6-month span where I rarely wrote anything because I had become the girl I told everyone else not to be in my posts.
There have been several occasions where I wanted to deactivate this website and disassociate myself from any and everything MM.
But I think that when you love something so much, when you invest so many things that money can’t buy into it, when you hear affirmations from those around you that something you thought would only matter to you matters to them as well, you don’t quit. You adjust. You grow. You erase the drawing board and sketch something else. You do everything that it takes to keep from quitting. And somewhere, in the midst of all of that, I continued to build something that deserves to have my name on it.
I never knew that me sending that tweet out that day would turn into all of this. Five absolutely phenomenal young women agreeing to join me for a year, listening to my crazy ideas and giving their talents to something of mine? Holding events that people leave wishing they had brought a friend? People telling me that something I said affected them? Resonated with them? My need for a way out led to others finding a way in; God has been working like this for years and yet I still find myself amazed. And for that, you must be thanked. Whether this your first, fifteenth or fiftieth time reading something on this blog it has reached you and I never thought that it would. To everyone who has supported in ways big and small, (I could list you all by name because I never forgot) thank you. To the team who joined me, thank you. To anyone who went to an event of mine and didn’t know what the fuck MeditatedMelanin was but stayed to find out, thank you. You helped make this bigger than me.
This is usually the part where a writer will ask “What’s Next?” and then say “I don’t know what the future holds, but…”. I think that’s silly. I know what’s next for MeditatedMelanin. Our 2nd annual Blogaversary event is 16 days from today. That’s next. An event with men and women is next. Writing workshops with girls in community centers is next. Events for post-graduate women is next. Building what I did and how I did at Mizzou in whatever city God takes me is next. A new set of writers is next. More honest and vulnerable content is next. I know where this going almost as well as I know where it has been. It would be a disservice to not be aware.
I think that the past two years will be a great time to look back on the next ten. I look at them now and still can’t believe I made it through them. Hopefully, this shows that you, too, can have something you want so much that by pouring more than enough love into it, it becomes part of yourself. In fact, if this post does nothing else, I hope it inspires you to love, adore and never quit on anything that has your name on it; not even yourself.
Happy Blogaversary, MeditatedMelanin. Cheers.
Your Biggest Fan,
Alexis G. Ditaway