I have this huge, overwhelming fear of having my feelings hurt.
In my version and world of anxiety, the thought of me opening the door to hurt, disappointment and rejection is so heavy that I often don’t do it at all. I could be rightfully upset with you and will hold back on it for years out of fear that you’ll say something back. I could be interested in you for months and will remain silent, because what if you don’t like me back? How would my face look in the midst of that reaction, if I even made it that far? Even in friendships, I could love you dearly and not be able to tell you everything about me out of the fear that the moment I do, I won’t be the person you love anymore; I’ll now be someone you have to learn to like.
It’s very contradictory to avoid a committed and constant connection with people, when in actuality it’s the one thing you want the most. You find yourself settling for the casual, mediocre attachments with people for the simple fact that these interactions are the result of all that you’re willing to wait for and all you’re willing to give. You SAY that you want to give it all, but that’s only on the condition that the other person does so first. It’s never willingly. Only if there’s a net to catch you in the case everything falls through, and even then you’ll try to make sure you aren’t too heavy.
So where did this leave me? I found myself rocking one way and being this close to connecting to someone, panicking, and then falling all the way back. My emotions were a wrecking ball that would come so close knocking walls over, yet my anxiety carefully calculated how I would come close but could never really knock them down. And these walls, these relationships, these people, never see me coming forward; they only see me swanging back.
Now, I’m in the middle of the air waiting to find what the wind will swing me. Do I fold and knock myself over by bearing my own weight, or do I breathe and allow someone else to know of the burdens I bare? Until I figure it out, I’ll be here just swanging. But I promise you, the idea is fun…