I’ve never met you and yet when I heard your voice, I felt at home—almost instantly (ya know, after the monotone voice that spoke to me). How can that be? We’ve never had a strong relationship or bond, but somehow when I see your name pop up on my phone, I drop whatever I’m doing. I miss you but I don’t know what your face looks like. You want a picture of me, you haven’t seen me either. You don’t know what I look like, how tall I am, what my middle name is, what color my eyes are, you know nothing. But we love each other. How is that possible?
I was too nervous to speak to you years ago even though I knew you had an interest in getting to know me. I wasn’t ready. I was too scared. I was too stressed out about boys, college, friends, everything. I didn’t know you. I was too busy to drop my life for a stranger. But no matter how busy I stayed, most nights I sat up and thought of you—or really, just the idea of you. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. What did you look like? How old were you? Was there any reason we had never spoken yet? Did you want to speak to me? Why had you never shown interest in me?
And then those questions would turn darker as the night grew…why did you have to go mess everything up? We could have been together. You could have learned my favorite color. You could have won me a stuffed animal at the carnival. We could have spent so much time together but you didn’t want that. You couldn’t have, or you would have done the right things to make it happen. I sat up wondering if you wanted me or not? If I was enough for you? Did you even have the desire to know me? You couldn’t have. You had other people in your life. You didn’t need anyone extra.
Most people say to get over those bad thoughts, I needed to think about: What were some of your favorite memories with him? Tell him what you cannot wait to do when you see him. What do you miss most about them? But we had no memories. I can’t do anything but meet you when I see you. I can’t miss anything about you because I don’t know you. We have no memories together… you called me the other night and I knew it was you. I had saved your number months before and I was waiting on you to call. My stomach dropped and my mouth got dry. I thought to myself: Would it be awkward? What could we talk about? Do I ask how your day is going? I had no clue what to say to you.
We talk about how I’m doing in school, we briefly mention my mom, and we even talk about how well life had been treating me. We spoke as if we had spoken a million times before this. I didn’t want it to get awkward so I just started spurting off at the mouth telling you things you probably thought were interesting and important to know but really weren’t. I told you about how high school was for me. I told you about my sisters. But we only talked for 13 minutes. Yes, I counted. 13 minutes doesn’t seem like much but when you’re on a time crunch, it’s easy to keep the conversation going. Those 13 minutes was one of the longest conversations I have ever had. I didn’t want to ask about you. I didn’t want to hear you happy. Especially how happy you were without me. But I also feared you wouldn’t be honest with me. I mean, why would you? I’m a stranger. I understood.
But daddy, I miss you. I know it’s crazy to miss someone you’ve never met, someone you’ve never seen, someone you’ve never even touched but I still do. Hearing you laugh at my stories and reprimand me for not studying medicine, I knew you loved me. I knew you missed me. You told me you only briefly saw me for a few months before you had to go away, and daddy I hate you for it. Father’s Day is the worst day and July seems like the worst month of the year (because of your birthday). I can’t talk with you when I need to—unless it’s a brief call that gets interrupted that you have to initiate. I can’t see you unless I drive 2hrs and 15minutes and I don’t have a car yet (you laughed at that). I miss you even though I’ve never met you. I sound silly to people when I tell them I miss you, but I can’t help it. I love you because you love me. I love you because I miss you.
But I can’t wait till you come home and we finally get to meet. I love you daddy.