The Hole: Why I Was In It, and How I Got Out

I haven’t talked about men on this blog in a very long time.

A lot of that is due to the fact that I want MeditatedMelanin to have a plethora of topics, and that I found most of my post requests and ideas to be relationship based. It also had something to do with the fact that I could find myself coming off as judgmental in my blog, since I wasn’t really using a lot of “I” statements. Yes, I would give advice and say what I WOULD do in situations, but I rarely (if ever) came forth and wrote out what I really had going on. 

I really can’t grow as a writer if I don’t allow myself to be more vulnerable and honest. It’s the reason why I haven’t been writing a serious, meaningful post in months. I owe myself better; I owe you all better. So, let’s dive into it:

I haven’t been in a relationship in about three years. I could say the reason why is that I’m “too much for these guys” and “nobody is ready” or “I’m busying working on myself and I’m not worried about that”. And yes, all of these play a factor as to why things are the way they are. But in all honesty, there have been times when I got close to commitment and ran the other way. There have been occasions when I waited too long on someone to give me an answer. And more recently, there have been times where I felt as if something was wrong with me and I just don’t have what anyone was looking for. 

I would meet a guy who had the potential. Someone who had approached me, made their case and said something to lead me to give them a chance. Even though I was nervous I would still proceed into giving it a try. Then, I would like them. Then, I would really like them. And if anyone knows me, they know I’m an extremely private person. So I would like someone so much that I would be ready to bring them around my friends. Ready to actually try dating. All the stuff that commitment comes with, I’d be ready for.

And then out of no where, BAM. A mistake. Another girl. A “I thought we were just kicking it”. And once again, I was left feeling like my time was wasted, like I had nothing to offer worth trying for and that I was missing some piece of the recipe. 

It didn’t make it any better than as I started to look around, my friends were settling down and getting into serious relationships. Some of them were getting into their one year anniversaries, others four years, and I even had some friends become engaged! Yet whenever my mom would call and inquire about what young man was courting me, I had absolutely nothing to say. 

My feelings were beginning to hurt, and my confidence started to sink. And when my feelings get hurt, I usually dive into my work or whatever position I have until those feelings go away. But adding the disappointment of constant rejection letters from positions I really wanted, including internships, left me stuck to deal with my emotions. I had no clue what to do with them and the thought of actually having to write, read AND share them was a no go. So I did nothing. 

For months I was absolutely pitiful. I didn’t show it, but I was sad. Every time I turned around I had another disappointment come my way. I was fed up with myself because I had never felt so low. I let the semester close out and tried to let it pass away, yet I would still find myself in a place I didn’t want to be in. I had gained weight back and stopped paying as much attention to myself. Until one day, I looked in the mirror and really saw what refusing to self-analyze out of the fear of finding more work to do truly looked like up close. And that was the day I decide that I need to treat myself just as good and even better as I’m trying to treat somebody else. 

I started back working out. I took more time for my skincare regime. As cliche as it sounds, I drank more water. I started working on projects that I had put off for years, like my online portfolio and my digital resume. I gathered my team for MeditatedMelanin and started back planning for the events that I’ve always wanted to do. I was back. I was better. And the other day I realized that I had done all that, in addition to my other responsibilities, and there was not a single man or boyfriend involved. 

I can’t let the fact that I had a serious of bad experiences with men make me feel as if something is wrong with me, or as if I’m missing something. A relationship adds to your life, but not having one does take your life away. And even though I had talked about this often, it had to happen to me firsthand for me to truly get it. I had let me lacking something that I felt everyone else had drop my confidence and my energy. And everything that I am accomplishing now could have been achieved a long time ago, but I needed to be in that hole in order to climb out and use that strength to conquer. 

Do I still deep sigh every now and then about it? Of course I do. But a month ago, I would deep and roll over to sleep. Now I might deep sigh, remind myself of who I am, and practice patience. Who I am is an incredible individual, with or without anybody. And that individual deserves to know and celebrate that about herself without a doubt. If I can do it, I know you can too. And whoever “he” is will be even more blessed with someone who learned to love herself even more. 

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