My writing has been affected by the fact that I have refused to allow myself to feel anything.
I have been going through a phase where I feel that not feeling anything was better than feeling everything at once. So many different situations, experiences and moments had happened in my life that were worth a tear or two. And if not a tear, perhaps a whine. Maybe a day in bed to just sit and truly think about what had a occurred. But the one thing that I did know about sadness and pain was that no matter if you feel it for a minute, an hour or even a day, it stings. It hurts. Strong people admit pain, but stronger people release it. And I had only allowed myself to be the first kind of person, rather than giving myself the chance to be the latter.
Why? Because while I’m afraid of being underwater, flying on a plane and not being successful, the thing I truly fear the most is finding myself in tears from things that I cannot control. That skill of taking your hands off things and allowing God and fate to handle the rest is a skill that I don’t have, and feared having. I felt as if by controlling everything that I possibly could, I would know what was best for me. And me controlling everything was better than me giving someone or something else the power to hurt me, and then being left to deal with the emotions. This also, in my mind, made it so that I never had to wait on someone else’s time. If I was the one pushing for A, B and C to happen, rather than waiting on someone else to allow it, I had the control and a better chance of knowing that it would happen eventually. And if it failed? At least I knew that I had no one to fault but myself, and that I always could reflect within myself to find why it didn’t go as planned. But when you let go, you may not always get your “Why?” question answered, and that was something I could not bare.
I did this, and have been doing this, for years. For months. For relationships. For opportunities. For people. For everything. Anything that required me to let go, not force and/or trust in someone other than myself were things I could not do. I couldn’t not overextend myself to prove to someone what my worth was, because I didn’t trust that they would see it for themselves. I refused to wait on someone to give me an answer out of fear that I would never receive it, and instead would force them with questions. If I was in a bad relationship or situation, rather than completely let it go in the hope that better would come I would hold on by a thread in the hope that it would turn around if I hung around. All of this out of the bigger fear of me allowing things to take their course and feeling uncomfortable with the direction.
Some of you may read this and say “I don’t understand what the problem is. You’re just making sure you get what you want. You’re trying to make sure you don’t get hurt. It just makes you stronger.” I thought that same and yet I am still writing this. I didn’t get stronger; I ended up at my weakest point internally. Yes, I was making sure I didn’t get hurt.But my overwhelming need to try to manipulate situations into my favor left me exhausted and unsatisfied. And after years of doing this, I still don’t have anything I want. And I could have realized why that is a long time ago if I had just decided to sit down, breathe and let it go.
What if I had taken a few moments to reflect and understand my emotions after certain situations? What would have happened if I allowed things to run it’s course instead of feeling the need to plan a blueprint with everything? If I had sat down and allowed myself to feel some kind of pain, would I have learned from it and decided never to make that decision again? If I allowed God to lead me to where He wants me to be instead of moving and working when I wanted to out of frustration and impatience, where would I be? What if I had just stood still for a while instead of running to the next thing? I probably could have had four or five different blessings by now if I hadn’t run off my own will five or six different times. These are realizations that I could’ve made a long time ago if I hadn’t been so determined to control everything.
What have I used 800 words to try to say? You will not always get your “Why?”answered. You will not always have control over everything. And most importantly, there is so much power in being able to let yours go. Vulnerability should not make you run. Trust should not make you cringe. There will be things that you simply can’t have your way, and that may be even better if you take your hands of it. To place it in the perspective of my faith, When you do things outside of the will of God, you will never be satisfied. And while I am just now starting this process of letting go and not putting a timetable on everything, and it scares me to death, I know that there can be so much growth from simply breathing and letting go.