I’ve read this, reread it, analyzed it, slept on it, and hesitated before replying for many reasons. Mostly because I’ve been trying to figure out the right way to address it, but also because there is more to address than just “How”. I need to talk about the “What” and the “Why”. I can’t tell you how to fix yourself if you don’t understand What you’re doing or Why you’re doing it. Those are the parts that may hurt your feelings, and parts that you have to be vulnerable to acknowledge.
It sounds like you are pushing away someone who, deep down, you don’t think you’re ready for. You think this person is too good to be true, and you can’t fathom that someone this good would make their way toward you after all of the hoops you’ve had to go through. Because of this, you are testing him to see how much of you he can take before he breaks, if he breaks at all.
In short, you are doing the most because you are not sure if you are ready for what you deserve, and the thing about it that gets me, is that I feel like you may need to let him go. Not for him, but for yourself.
When you know yourself, and know how powerful and wonderful you are, you do not question or push goodness out of your life; you simply accept it. Regardless of what has or has not happened in your life, the beautiful thing about knowing what you deserve is that you accept it anyway. Unsweetened tea can easily become sweet tea with the addition of sugar and doesn’t resist the change, regardless of the fact that it had been made to be bitter. You deserve to be given kindness, regardless of what you may have been given before.
It is not his obligation to wait out your antics. He doesn’t have to be there for the petty arguments. He doesn’t have to defend himself against your accusations. You haven’t completely let him in the door, so there is still plenty of room for him to walk out. The fact that he hasn’t yet is a sign that he sees something in you that is more than what you are showing him.Why can’t you see what he sees in you and act accordingly? An even better question: Why won’t you allow him to show you what he sees in you? Are you afraid of the beauty you may find?
In order to change a behavior, you have to change a mindset. Children stop crying for attention once their mindset has matured enough to know that using their words are much more effective. You won’t be able to change your behavior of pushing away a good person, until you change your mindset of thinking that you aren’t ready for one and this may be something you need to do alone. Once you stop questioning yourself, you won’t have to question him. When you stop fighting with your old self, you’ll let a new person step in with comfort. This is an internal issue that is creating an external hardship. It would be wise to step back for a while, and empty any negative feelings you may have out of yourself so that someone can pour positivity into you.
You are more than worthy of goodness, love and sugar. When someone is trying to give that to you, open your hands and not your doubts. You deserve the best, and you will be able to handle it when you give it to yourself.
With Love and Honesty,