As soon as I read this, I knew this was going to be hitting home. I am always finding myself not only seeing the best in people, but seeing and wanting more for them than they seem to want for themselves. And when they don’t see it in themselves, even after me outlining, diagramming, and presenting ways they can do better, I become frustrated. Why don’t they see it? Why don’t they want to change? Don’t they understand that things would be so much better and easier if they would just cooperate?
I’m not going to lie: I have found myself being a fixer. I can recall many times when I have seen someone in the pit of a mess that not only affected themselves, but me as well, and given my ALL to try to change them. And when I say my ALL, I mean EVERYTHING. My time, my love, my resources. Hell, even my precious sleep went to staying up on the phone, talking someone through their ways and offering many methods of revival. I was doing it because I cared about them. And when I care about you, I want the very best for you, regardless of how much of you is for the worst.
The most recent time I can recall is when there was a guy who I was really,really,really really, REALLY interested in. I wanted to be with him. And I knew he wanted to be with me, but something was holding him back from turning that feeling into action. But did that stop me from trying? Was that my wake up call to stop fooling around and stop waiting on a day that wouldn’t come? Of course not. I was dumb. I stayed with this man, who didn’t even have a true titled position for me in his life, and tried to fix him.
Any area of his life that wasn’t up to par, I attempted to help him with. If he needed help with school, I had phone numbers to tutors, help session times, and links to mentors. He had a project? Of course I was there to assist. He wanted criticism on how he was as a person? I had him. I literally was there for this man because I knew he needed somebody, and I wanted to be that one. I was Superwomen. I tied on my cape. And when the job got tougher as the weeks went on, I never took it off. I simply tightened it.
It wasn’t until I realized how my life was sitting on the floor due to me trying to elevate his that I took a step back and looked at what I was really doing. I couldn’t work on my projects, because I was trying to help his. My attitude became sour, because I was so frustrated that my help wasn’t creating the results that I needed. And then, in the middle of the night after another long conversation, it hit me: I was trying to save a man and help him in being the best that he could be, and the effort I was putting into him wouldn’t help him be with me. I was just molding into a better man for another woman.
The time you are spending holding on to a someone that you want to save so badly, is time that you could use to wait for someone who is already put together. I am a firm believer that in order to be fixed, you must first be broken. But I also believe that it is not your job to put someone back together. You can’t make someone have what you need. They either have it, or they don’t. Even if you KNOW they deserve better for themselves, that’s for them to believe and act on, not you. Superman saved people because he was born with the power to do so, but even he knew when to stop when he was met with kryptonite, because it made him weak. You were born with enough power to save yourself. You need to know when to let go when you meet a force that only makes you weak.
Think of it this way: when he’s finally put together, finally ready to be yours, and had finally bettered himself… Would you still want him? Do you want someone that you had to bring from the bottom up because they couldn’t do it themselves? You can’t raise a man, and if you do, that’s not your boyfriend; that is your son. He owes you. Let him go on about his miserable business, and you focus on you. He needs a woman his size, and you’re too big in power and greatness for him right now. And if he can’t see that, then oh well. Some people like the way their bullshit stinks.